My First Week

It's been a crazy week and I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll start from right at the beginning.. no not THAT beginning.. the day I entered the world:

I know in my previous post I gave some "highlights" on my arrival, but I still can't get over the shock of it all ... the whole thing just baffles me. There I am floating around in my nice liquid cushioned, temperature, light and noise controlled cocoon (mom) just like I have been for the last 260+ plus days. This light appears at my feet (butt actually) and whammo someone reaches in a grabs me and pulls me towards the light. Well obviously I started screaming, it was bright, loud, cold, everyone had masks on and oh yeah .. I've never actually breathed air before. My only pointer was "breathe" and a spank, not exactly an appropriate level of training in my book. Let's see how you'd enjoy breathing liquid without any tips or pointers!! So there they are, poking and prodding me.. when all of the sudden they reach down and cut the tube to my food supply. Hello!!.. What's the plan here, don't I need that? I'm looking around for someone, anyone who will look after me. My mom is out cold and my dad is no where to be seen.. this is totally NOT what I was expecting!!

Well needless to say I start screaming, which only brought on more poking and prodding. I got weighed, wiped down, they checked fingers and toes, my bits (I would have started there), and then they wrap me up in a diaper, clothes, a hat and gloves. I'm just getting used to the freedom of these limb things and already they're gone. They check my height, my head size and blow air at my face. Do you realize all the changes I'm going through.. in the span of like two minutes? My parents keep complaining that I didn't come with a manual. At least they can read up on it, watch a video .. I get nothing!! Come on people, how about a little heads up?

I think I finally passed out because I woke up to the sound of a familiar voice "Hi Jake, I'm your dad". I was in this plastic cocoon and when I open my eyes I saw this guy standing over me with tears running down his face. He seemed a little clueless, some lady was jabbering away at him, but they didn't seem to be understanding each other. Dad kept saying 'English, English?". He kept staring at me as we moved us to our room and again the clueless man didn't understand. Finally they took me out of my bubble and wrapped me in a bath towel, I guess my dad forgot a blanket. He picked me up and cradled me with this look of wonder in his eyes, sort of a now what? stare as we were left alone together.

Finally I met mom, she got rolled in on a big bed!! She seemed really out of it and was obviously still in a lot of pain. She looked at me through hazy eyes and said something like "I've got eighteen years to get even". Lots of crazy women came in giggling, squeezing my cheeks, and pinching me all over. What is it with all this touching stuff?.. I'm used to a nice belly buffer - leave me alone. Then a nurse comes in waves her hands, points at me, then to mom and says "baby eat". Well I was used to this simple "goes into, goes out" tube that I had for a while. Now I've got mom and dad trying to figure out what to do and coming up with "a plan". Mom's cradling me and waving something at me, while dad is trying to look in, open my lips and jam my head forward at just the right time. This thing looks like it's going to block all of my air, so I start to scream. I hear words of encouragement like "come on Jake suck".. Do these people realize I just learned how to breathe a couple of hours ago? That's a pretty big step. Kind of a "check ..I'm done for the day" effort in my book. They've got four hands and they still can't seem to get it right. Finally I get "latched on".. personally I think the tube was easier. I was thinking.. these parent things, can you upgrade or trade them in.. how exactly does this work?

Well obviously if it goes in, it has to come back out. I'm trying to tell dad that he needs to change me (by screaming). Dad's bouncing me up and down while mom (the smart one) says, "Why don't you check his diaper?". Dad, trying to put off the inevitable, says "He hasn't really eaten anything yet, how can he poop?". Well I showed him.. if you haven't seen the video you have to.. my mom is so sneaky!! He's running around trying to get everything ready and he's so clueless. I guess the meconium stuff is kind of sticky, kind of like tar.. oh well, not my problem hee hee. I would have laughed a little harder but I was sitting in my own poop. You try it.. kind of takes the funny edge off of things doesn't it?

note: I guess this video caused a little bit of a ruckus in the Roddick household.. something about front to back vs back to front. I can assure you my dad handled it quite well.. there is no front or back with Meconium, it's more like from the outside in or wax on wax off. Trust me, I felt very fresh and clean afterwards.

Now I'm hungry so I start crying again, my parents both look at me as if I'm "saying" the exact same thing. First a diaper check, then they lay me down to sleep and finally I get my food source. Come on you guys listen up, it looks like we're going to have to work on that one for a while! Next my dad tries to get me ready for bed.. what a nightmare that was. Dad tries to put a long sleeved sleepy bag/dress on me. Well I've got no control over my head or arms so stuff is just flopping everywhere. Dad has this look of horror on his face like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces any second. He's taking his time and gets it stuck on my head while trying to stuff both of my wet noodle arms into these small long tubes. As I screamed in horror at the delay, he looked like he was going to cry, seriously.. I've got to toughen up this guy!!

We finally got to go home to our flat. It was nice to be able to relax with mom and dad without the threat of the giggling pinchy nurses waking me up all night. Mom's milk finally came in.. I don't know who I have to thank for that, but I was a little nervous for a while there and my jaw was killing me. I thought I was going to have to suck that hard forever; it's kind of like sucking molasses through a coffee stirrer (in case you can't remember). Well, as the input changed, so did the output and I had a new weapon at my disposal.. the randomly targeting pee stream.

The first time it happened was with mom and she started screaming.. honey help, oh oh, quick, hurry, bring a towel!! Once again, it was funny to watch these clueless people try and figure me out. From what I observed, changing my diaper just got a whole lot more difficult. My dad, always the engineer, was trying to figure out the best plan of attack. Give it up buddy. Two hands, two holes and one diaper to finagle into place, it just can't be done! Well I got a shock one morning when the pee stream got me. There it was, pointing straight up when whammo, I got it right in the kisser. Note to self, I've got to learn to get a little more control of that thing.

The other interesting change was on the other end. Something must have happened because dad yelled.. "ugggh it looks like yellow cottage cheese". Well I can assure you this, who ever designed diapers was not sitting in one while they developed it!! Come on, it's practically designed to force stuff where it isn't meant to go. Maybe when I grow up I'll be an engineer too, because this sucks!!

Dad's been on the internet, trying to get ready for the "real world" he says. He's been coming up with clever ways to keep me entertained while still having access to both hands. Some work well, while others don't (photos coming soon). Mom also suggested he talk to me more, so now I'm stuck listening to him babble on about Javascript, APIs, social networks and Google.. someone please get this man a job!!

We spent the week adjusting to each other but overall I think things are going pretty well. I sleep pretty good and I'm generally very happy, although I don't think mom and dad understand that yet!! I guess the name of the game with this control thing is to keep them guessing..

Special thanks to my dad, he translated all this from a bunch of goos, gas and grunts.